| Aaron Phillips
Beef Jerky Alternate Endings
One conversation that often comes up in conversations among friends is what they would do with a time machine. Some people tell you that they would go back and change something about their own lives, and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t? Others will tell you that they would go back in time and change the course of history by influencing a major historical event. Regardless of why someone would want a time machine, we all can agree that going back in time and inserting a bag of beef jerky randomly into one of these historical events would change the whole world as we know it.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Apparently, the assassination of one single person had a ripple effect that caused an entire World War among over thirty countries. After his assassination, Austria went to war against Serbia, which made Germany declare war on Russia, then France got involved, and then the United States, then by that point it just became an all-out brawl. Of course, if you attack one country, the countries who have an alliance with that country will come to its defense, which will end up making other countries get involved to defend the initial aggressors and it was just a mess. To be fair, Archduke Franz Ferdinand knew of the dangers of visiting the Bosnian capital of Sarajevo, but still went anyway. Maybe if a bag of spicy teriyaki beef jerky magically landed in his lap he would have had a bargaining tool to make peace with the Bosnian nationalists. This could have avoided the war of all wars and possibly even avoided World War 2. Though we doubt it would do much difference, as the world was already on edge and itching to try out new weapons on each other and just needed a reason.
The Resignation of Richard Nixon
Richard Nixon was the 37th President of the United States who resigned under threats of impeachment after an event known as the Watergate scandal. The Watergate scandal occurred in the office of the Democratic National committee in one of the Watergate buildings in Washington D.C. Unfortunately, for Richard Nixon, who was known for embarrassingly ending the Vietnam War, he was found to be connected to these wiretapping burglars. He made it even worse by trying to cover it up, but people eventually learn the truth. However, before he was impeached for obstruction of justice and other constitutional violations, he resigned. However, if anyone would go back in time and slap a box of beef jerky from Jerky Subscription onto the Presidential table before he decided to involve himself in the Watergate scandal then history might be a little different. He would have been too distracted by the delicious taste of sriracha honey free-range turkey jerky that he would have put his priorities elsewhere and finished his president without tarnishing his legacy.
The Lost Colony of Roanoke
Sir Walter Raleigh, under the order of Queen Elizabeth I, was sent to the New World to establish a military base under the flag of England. Sir Walter Raleigh told his friend, John White, to bring some colonists with him to establish a colony in the Chesapeake Bay, where they became friends with the local Croatoan natives. Unfortunately, the colony was starting to run low on supplies and John White needed to return to England to get more. While he was there he was asked to fight a three-year war against the Spanish Armada. Luckily, John White survived, but when he returned to the colony with supplies, not a single person was there. While everyone suspects aliens, it makes the most sense that they probably moved on to settle somewhere else in order to survive. Going back in time and providing the Roanoke colony with delicious paleo-friendly Korean BBQ beef jerky might have changed history as we know. Roanoke would have thrived, there would have been peace between the colonists and the natives, and it may have even become the capital of the modern United States.
The Sinking of the Titanic
The “unsinkable ship”, the Titanic, was launched traveling on its way to New York on its maiden voyage when it struck an iceberg just off the coast of Newfoundland and sank. There were a lot of different failures that led to the sinking of the Titanic on that fateful night, but none more obvious than the Titanic’s captain, E.J Smith, for his decision to speed through waters littered with icebergs in order to beat a sister ship’s Atlantic crossing time. Despite him having a previous record of crashing into other ships, the powers that be decided to give him command of their newest Olympic class ship. While many other factors made the sinking of the Titanic much worse than it could have been, the actions of the captain definitely didn’t help. Maybe if he had a bag of preservative and GMO-free peppered beef jerky, he would have made smarter decisions.
While it’s no doubt that people using a time machine would do more than just traveling back in time and giving people beef jerky to change the course of history, it does seem like one of the better ideas on paper. For those who are working on inventing a time-machine, having a monthly box of beef jerky delivered directly to you would ensure that you are properly nourished to be able to fulfill your dreams of changing the past and ultimately affecting the future. Beef Jerky truly is a history-changing snack.