| Aaron Phillips
The Beef Jerky Movie Reboot
In an age where every movie has about two to three remakes each, you would think that Hollywood has finally run out of ideas for movies. A movie remake is just directors taking a movie that’s already been made and making the same exact movie, except with different actors with almost no change to the story. A reboot however, is a movie that completely reimagines the source material. Movie patrons are starting to get tired of remakes and reboots and wish Hollywood would come up with something original. Although, not every movie reboot has to be worse than the original. With a good centerpiece for a story, a rebooted movie can actually be a lot better the original. Luckily, for any aspiring directors who are looking for movie reboot ideas, we have taken five famous movies and rebooted them to be centered around beef jerky.
The Wizard of Oz
The wizard of Oz centers around a small-town girl named Dorothy and her dog Toto from Kansas who fall onto a different land after a storm. After cold-murdering a witch in a town of munchkins and landing in some serious drama between a couple of other witches, Dorothy and her dog begin an adventure down a yellow brick road. It is on her journey that Dorothy not only receives a new pair of kicks, but also meets a robot, a lion, and a scarecrow, all things that are now the antagonists of modern horror movies (yes, we consider what Scar did to Mufasa pretty horrific). While everyone is familiar with the story of the Wizard of Oz, it would be a lot better if the movie was rebooted to be centered around beef jerky. The scarecrow would want beef jerky instead of a brain, the cowardly lion would just want some beef jerky instead of courage, and the tinman would want beef jerky instead of a heart. Although, since there doesn’t seem to be any cows in the Land of Oz, there would need to be a considerable source of jerky. We’ll let the new director decide if they want to imply how exactly some Munchkins disappear from Munchkinland.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off centers around the titular character, Ferris Bueller, who decides he wants to be a truant again for a day. With his best friend, his girlfriend, and his best friend’s father’s 1961 Ferrari 250, Ferris Bueller does what it says he does in the title of the movie: take a day off. Of course, the movie wouldn’t be accurate for its time without all kinds of shenanigans from being chased by the school’s dean to dancing on a parade float. Now imagine that movie rebooted in 2019 to be centered around three lazy kids playing truant just sit around at home doing nothing but scrolling through social media and taking selfies of themselves eating beef jerky. Instead of a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder, his friend Cameron steals a bag of beef jerky from his father’s prized beef jerky drawer. Though, we’re hoping the new director for this rebooted movie keeps the footrace through the neighborhood in the movie, and it’s a very famous scene. Have the actor playing the new Ferris say, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to eat beef jerky once in a while, you could miss it.”
Lord of The Rings
Lord of the Rings centers around a story about a ring, obviously, being carried by small people to a volcano guarded by a giant eye and his army of blood-thirsty goblins. An old wizard stumbles across a town of Hobbits only to find that one of them has a ring that could destroy the world or something. The wizard, the hobbit Frodo, his friend who played Mikey in The Goonies, a dwarf, two humans, and Orlando Bloom embark on a quest to throw the ring into a volcano instead of simply flying there on giant eagles. Now imagine if the movies were rebooted to be based around a bunch of guys guiding a sacred bag of beef jerky into a volcano to destroy it forever. Although, since it is a reboot, the director would need to add some variety to the fellowship. We would personally want to see Samuel L. Jackson shoe-horned into the fellowship somehow fighting massive waves of goblins and orcs simply by sucker-punching them in the face. The real struggle would be how to get a bunch of testosterone-filled men all the way up a volcano through battle-ravaged lands without dipping into the bag of beef jerky themselves.
The first Home Alone movie follows the story of Kevin McCallister and his completely irresponsible parents who for some reason forgot one of their children at home with their creepy neighbor and some burglars. This movie might be difficult to make in the modern era only because the director would need to explain how parents, with as much technology these days to organize time and keep track of children, still found a way to forget a child at home. What’s the best way to reconcile that? Instead of a child, use a bag of beef jerky. To any aspiring directors reading this, imagine an entire family forgetting a bag of beef jerky at home, only to have all the shenanigans ensure despite it being an inanimate object. The mother still makes a scene about finding a way home, two burglars are thwarted with booby traps, and a creepy neighbor reconciles with his granddaughter’s family all while a bag of delicious beef jerky lays quietly on a table doing absolutely nothing.
We’re hoping that aspiring directors will take some of our ideas for movie reboots based around beef jerky. Remember that beef jerky is one of the perfect movie snacks. So, while we’re waiting for one of our ideas to take off why not always have a bag of beef jerky handy for any movie with a monthly box from Jerky Subscription?