What Happens When You Put Beef Jerky In Your Kids Lunch?

It’s a more common question than you might initially think. What exactly happens when you put jerky in your child’s lunch?

Well, the first question should actually be – should you even do such a thing?

The short answer is: Sure, why not?

High quality, premium jerky is an excellent source of protein, is super tasty, and encourages your child to try something new. But don’t forget: low quality jerky not from may be super sketchy and made with stuff we don’t even want to think about – so be careful of that.

By allowing your child to occasionally take jerky with them, you’ll be opening them up to an incredible world, once only reserved for royalty and celebrities. A world known as…bliss.

Here’s how a day will likely shape up, should you take on the incredible task of allowing your child to bring craft jerky to their place of education:

6am: You wake up. You stumble into the kitchen where you pour yourself a vat of coffee that is strong enough to wake the dead. You lean on the kitchen counter thinking to yourself, “What the heck am I going to give my kid for lunch today?” You sip on your coffee and look around the kitchen. You start daydreaming and think, “Yo, it would be so cool if I were a giant sea creature or something.” That lasts about five minutes.

6:10am: You start making your child’s lunch. You include the obvious things…carrots, some fruit, a juice box. Then inspiration strikes you like a thunderbolt out of the sky, gifted down from the universe above. JERKY. You wonder to yourself, “Am I still reeling from that giant sea creature dream, or is this real?

6:27am: You quickly recall that it is very real. You were a genius and ordered a subscription from – and you always have premium jerky on hand. You shuffle over to the closet and see a nice pouch of premium jerky. You open it slowly, take a sip from your coffee and then a long, hard whiff from the jerky pouch. “This is the greatest moment of my life” you whisper to yourself.

6:54am: You lovingly place two pieces of jerky into your child’s lunch contraption and smile. “I bestow unto thee…jerky” you announce to no one in particular.

7:59am: Your kid comes down, grabs lunch and runs out the door yelling “BYE.”

Well, you’ve done you diligence. You’ve included the treat of all treats in their bag. Much to the surprise of your child, they will be enjoying the fruits of your early morning labor very soon.

3:41pm: Your child returns. They are the same child, but there is a glow about them. The come over to you and give you the biggest hug that has ever been given in the history of time and space.

How was school,” you ask sheepishly.

“It was absolutely wonderful! Unlike any day I’ve ever had! I opened my lunch to find jerky! Jerky! A gift from the most thoughtful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I mean you, of course! The children at school noticed the premium jerky and surrounded me for a peek. The lifted me high upon their shoulders and serenaded me in song. The teachers were all high fiving me! The jerky was the start of pure bliss. And it wa a gift from you!” they respond.

You’ve done it. You’ve provided your offspring with the gift of a lifetime. Jerky. All thanks to the subscription you placed at

Congratulations. You are now Parent of the Year. Make sure you wear the plague you’re awarded around your neck for all to see, like a big ol’ necklace trophy. You deserve it.





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