The No Jerky Dilemma

Have you shamefully consumed all of the beef jerkies within the first hour of receiving your monthly jerky subscription box? Are you sitting there wondering how you’re going to make it until next month’s delivery? You lay there in a fetal position on the floor among a bed of empty beef jerky bags debating whether or not you should settle for gas station beef jerky, but those ones contain the nasty GMO’s and preservatives that make your body regret working so hard to sustain its own life. Luckily, you don’t have to look much further than your own house to try to fool your body into filling its jerky cravings until the next shipment.  

You open the fridge to the sad sight of a couple of D batteries, expired milk, and a leftover takeout box that looks like its either molding or moving. Closing your fridge in disbelief, you use your other hand to open the freezer, much to your surprise you find a frozen steak that you got months ago on a manager’s special. After searching the internet to make sure that it’s safe for consumption, you start defrosting it while looking up ways to quickly make your own beef jerky. Unfortunately, every guide is telling you that it’ll take too long to make beef jerky, and you don’t have a specialized dryer. No matter, because like MacGyver, you can solve any problem, so you think of all the alternatives you have to dry the beef into jerky.

The Blow-dryer

Run into your bathroom with the slab of beef in your hand and get the blow-dryer started. Hold the beef over the sink and stand there with the blow-dryer on high blowing on the piece of meat. You stand there moving the blow-dryer up and down hoping to get an even dry on the meat. After about an hour of staring at yourself in the mirror contemplating your life choices while the beef does nothing but drip into your sink, you decide to try another method for drying your jerky.

An Iron

After realizing that the blow-dryer method isn’t working, it’s time to get creative and look for any other device in your house that can be used to dry something. You quickly reach into your closet and dust off the iron and ironing board that you haven’t used in ages because you just walk out with the same clothes you wear every day. Unfolding the ironing board, you slap the still wet piece of meat on and begin desperately trying to dry it. Rubbing the iron over the beef multiple times hoping each stroke will make the beef magically turn into dried jerky. After some time and considerable crying, you realize that the iron just isn’t a solution, so you grab the jerky and run off desperately thinking of another plan.

The Good Old Sun

The sun is the perfect solution to drying anything. You constantly go out into the sun without any form of sunscreen protection and you come back inside with skin dryer than the desert. Using your extensive knowledge of how badly you get dried out in the sun, you assume the same can be done about the now wet and pressed piece of beef that is currently rotting away in your hands. Taking a clothespin and some string you quickly craft a makeshift laundry line in hopes that the sun will do what it does best and dry flesh. Unfortunately, because you wasted so much time during the day trying to dry the beef with other methods that didn’t work, the sun is already close to set for the night. Your neighbors have a look of concern on their face as they watch you rocking back and forth in a fetal position under a dripping piece of meat that is hanging on a laundry line. After the sun goes down, and with it, your hopes of having delicious beef jerky, you decide to try one more thing before completely giving up hope.

The Laundry Dryer

The laundry dryer has been reliably drying clothes since the early 20th century. You have no doubt that your reliable laundry dryer can come through for you in the end and help you with your beef jerky dilemma. Taking the clothes of your dryer that has been in there for days because you just grab what you need as you need it, you throw the beef into the dryer and set it to the highest power. After setting your dryer to maximum dry, you press start before kneeling down as if you’re in prayer.

After a couple of moments, you hear the doorbell ring. You get up from your kneeled position to swing the door open completely disheveled to reveal the person you’ve been dating is standing there with the Jerky Subscription box that you gifted to them. They tell you that they just received the gift of a box from Jerky Subscription and was hoping to share it with you. Tears well up in your eyes as you realize that this is the person that you not only want to spend the rest of your life with but also want to share beef jerky with forever. The person you are dating looks behind you to see a small fire on an ironing board, a malfunctioning blow-dryer, and a laundry dryer with a piece of beef slapping around inside of it only to smile and hand you the box as they come in to help you with the mess that you have become because of your no jerky dilemma.

Don’t let this jerky dilemma happen to you. While you can have two bags of jerky delivered conveniently to your door through Jerky Subscription, there is also an option to have a six jerky box delivered to you as well. Imagine having 72 bags of delicious clean jerky delivered to you every month every year! If you ever run out, just remember that you can also gift these to a friend or loved one in hopes they will share the love of beef jerky with you.


Previous article Celebrate July 4th the American Way: With Premium Jerky
Next article J. Jerky Jerk’s Guide to The Perfect Camping Experience